Mummy, the soul destroyer!

So, according to Tizzie Hall (Save our Sleep) teaching a baby to self-settle is different to controlled crying.  Tizzie doesn't 'agree' with controlled crying, because she believes that going into check on a baby and not get them up is tormenting them, which I kind of agree with.  Her approach to teaching a baby to self settle is to put them in bed and effectively leave them there until they go to sleep, unless you can't handle the crying anymore when you get them up for a 10min break and then start all over again.  She suggests putting the baby to bed, awake, then going and making and drinking a cup of tea before going back in to them, and in her 'perfect world' the baby should be asleep before the kettle has boiled and she says that going back into them and having a break is more for the Mum's benefit then the babies.  I can see how she says that this is different to a controlled crying method, but is there really any difference when you leave your baby to cry for an indefinite period of time?  I'm not so sure!

I've been trying to teach Piper to self settle.  With 2 kids under 15mths, you need your hands free as much as possible, so having Piper settle in my arms and taking up to an hour to do so sometimes just wasn't going to happen after Todd went back to work.  She goes to sleep in the swing, but I don't really want her sleeping a lot in the swing (Mackenna used to have all her day time sleeps in the swing... it didn't do her any harm and she learnt to self settle in bed in no time when we did start putting her in her cot, but it kind of isn't appropriate for Piper) so to allow more free time to spend with the active toddler who doesn't sleep much through the day anymore, I've had to try Piper with the self settling.  It's really hard work!

She is the kind of baby that if she is awake for more than 2 hours, she turns into a diva!  Won't go to sleep without a lot of coaxing and a dummy (which doesn't stay in her mouth for long, startling her awake again!) and will scream until it is food time.  (I'm going all Nazi on her butt and only feeding her every 3 - 4 hours, which is fine, she is getting more than enough to eat and is only 'emotional eating' (so I like to call it!) if I feed her earlier.)  So whenever she is awake, I watch the clock....  keep her up for at least 45mins but no longer than 1.5hrs and when she starts yawning, it's bed time.    She has a mobile in her bassinett and a Sleep Sheep (plays rainforest/ocean/whale noises), so I turn both of those on (she loves the toys on the mobile - I busted her smiling and talking to them the other day...  was so deliciously cute!!) and leave her too it.  The crying normally starts about 5 minutes after I put her to bed.  She is down the hallway in Todd's and my bedroom so her crying is kind of muffled, but it is loud enough for me to hear in our study at the other end of the house.  I'm ok to listen to the crying for however long it takes her to go to sleep - normally somewhere between 30mins - an hour.  Then when she does go off to sleep, she will normally wake up again in between 20-40 mins, but in the name of self settling, I leave her there to settle herself off to sleep again, until 3 or so hours has passed and it's time to get up again.  Generally, the next go at putting her bed is a success and she only takes 10 - 20 minutes to fall asleep, cause she is so tired from the last attempt!!

Anyways....  as I said, I'm ok to listen to the crying.  I understand that it is for a greater good and that teaching my baby to self settle is good for both her and me.  But wow...  it is hard work and I honestly feel like I am destroying her little soul listening to her cry so much.  I can tell the difference between Piper's cry's and I know when she is hungry or in pain or just 'protesting' (as Tizzie would call it) or is emotional and wants a cuddle.  It's often hard to tell when a 'Protest' cry turns into an 'Emotional' cry though....  which I wonder, is there a difference?  I don't think babies are that complex.  I will often check on her after half an hour or so, just to make sure she hasn't pooed or got herself tangled in her blankets or what not and find her face covered in tears, which just breaks my heart..... but, it's all for a great good....  right....?

By the end of the day, I worry that the neighbours think that I'm not taking care of her because she can cry so much.  I worry that all she does is feeds, has her nappy changed and cries (with some sleep here and there!) all day long, which in my opinion is not healthy!  I worry that she thinks I'm never coming back and is lying there with a broken heart.  And then the end of the day comes, and my soul seems destroyed too... I feel like I'm a bad Mum because I've let my daughter sit in her bassinet and cry all day.  But...  again, a greater good.... right?  (And she doesn't really cry that much, she does spend more time either asleep or happy in her swing or chair or having cuddles....  it just seems like that long when it happens every couple of hours!)

It's not all bad....  she is getting better and often times, she is so tired that she drops off to sleep within a few minutes.  I am not always consisent....  early mornings, I don't mind her sleeping in her swing and night times, I like to put her to sleep on my lap, which I know sends the wrong messages to her, but it's not always appropriate to put her into bed and let her cry (eg 2am) so I wonder if each time I do that, she forgets what she 'learnt' the time before.

We've been at it all week so far and as I said, we are making progress, but it's slow and it really is heartbreaking.  While both my girls have a strong will, mine is stronger and I won't let her 'beat' me, but I really do wonder if all of this is 'for a greater good' or if I am just damaging my child, by breaking her heart, over and over again each day.  Mackenna hardly cried as a newborn because Todd and I, while not being too over the top and turning her into a spoilt brat, where there for her for everything she needed and wanted.  She is such a happy kid now who doesn't really seem to know anything about sadness or anger (she does throw some nasty tantrums though!) and I really want Piper to be the same.  The only other option for me is to let her sleep in the swing, which isn't so bad, but definitely not preferable, so I guess I just have to stick with it.   When though, do I pull the pin and say enough is enough and this isn't going to work?

All this being said though, while I feel like the devil every second that she is crying, it is so gratifying when she does finally drop off to sleep and stays asleep for longer than 30mins!!  Those moments are kind of worth it.